September 24, 2015
This is an apology to all of my friends that I've lost touch with or have not been in contact with recently. I've had to learn a bit of selfishness over the past year and put almost all my energy into myself and my family.
For those of you that are unaware, one year ago on September 24th, 2014 I was cycling home from work when a door from a parked car was flung open in front of me and I went crashing hard into the door and then onto the ground. One year later, most people who knew about the crash aren't aware that my recovery is still ongoing.
As an introvert prior to the crash, most social engagements were already a lot of work for me. Now most social engagements are just too much. I’ve had to lie to people. I've deceived (my parents did not know for the longest time that I had not recovered). I've broken promises of phone calls and visits. Because sometimes I just can't. I'm just not me.
For the first time in 15 years, I did not strap on a snowboard this past winter. I did not shovel much snow. I was on the Canal for a total of 30 minutes. I've had to suck in my pride and accept help for simple tasks, such as installing an antenna and hanging a swing. I don't run for the bus. I don't sit in certain seats on certain buses because they vibrate too much. I don't drive very far because I can’t trust myself. Riding a boat at the cottage is too bumpy. Cycling around the neighbourhood is too bumpy. I didn't volunteer at nor attend Bluesfest. I may never play rec Ultimate ever again. I don't have a relaxing glass of wine with my wife in the evenings. Some days, I can't keep up with our child. That breaks my heart.
The harsh reality is that my wife was almost left husbandless and our child was almost left fatherless and it plays over in my mind time and time again. I had wished for more time with my family and I got it in a less than ideal way, while being thankful that I was still alive at all.
Back to the selfishness, this note is part of my recovery. It's something that's weighed on my brain for a long time and I just wanted to get it out. It actually was starting to hurt my head thinking about writing something to put my thoughts down then to actually decide to share it.
I hope that you can all forgive me as I return to normal, or eventually stop thinking about it and realize that I am living a new normal. My friends and family have always been the most important things in my life and therein I know that I can find some normalcy. I’m sorry for everything over the past year. I’m sorry for having to be selfish. I just want to be me again.
